9 Life Hacks to Survive the Coronavirus in Idaho

Advice and Tips to Survive any Pandemic or Natural Disaster

The first case of the Coronavirus has been confirmed in Idaho. To better serve our readers we have created this guide to surviving the pandemic.

The first thing to surviving a pandemic is to remain calm. Think of it this way: have you ever seen a movie where the person with the most anxiety doesn't die first? Exactly. Follow these 9 useful and practical tips to survive any pandemic, including SARS, the Plague, and H1N1.

Toilet Paper Lifehack with Paper Towels

A lack of toilet paper can create unhygienic situations for you and your family. The current shortage is creating a risk for other diseases like rashes and skin lesions. However, most people often overlook a product similar to toilet paper: Paper Towels. By simply cutting a paper towel roll in half you are creating two toilet paper sized rolls. You can also run to the local dollar store. You may not find toilet paper but you will certainly find cheap alternatives like tissue paper and towels.

DIY Gas Mask to Deal with the Shortage

Hospital masks are in such high demand that even medical professionals are running out of these essential tools. People will now have to make their own DIY Gas Masks if they want to avoid getting the Corona. It helps to make a mask out of metal since Coronavirus cannot penetrate metal. Therefore blasting metal-music will keep the virus from entering your home. You can also use plastic milk jugs as a mask. Just make sure you cut out eye holes so you can see out of your mask.

Out of Toilet Paper? Use Stool-Stopper®

If you’ve completely run out of toilet paper and other wiping remedies don’t lose hope. There is one last measure you can take before you’ve run out of options. MIT researchers developed groundbreaking technology designed to minimize the need to use toilet paper. The device is called Stool-Stopper®. This has been used by astronauts and ultra-marathon runners to stop the need and urge to ‘go’ as often. These come in various colors, materials, and sizes. You can even find them with jewels and other design for the fashion-forward.

Can Mail and Packages Transmit Coronavirus?

Nobody knows. However, many people lick their mail and stamps before shipping them off. But as a precaution, it is best to place your mail in the microwave. Heat it for 5 minutes on the “popcorn” setting for the best results. If you don’t have a microwave, have the youngest person in the household handle all mail going in and out of the house. Young people are better able to survive the virus due to their smaller nostrils.

Purell and Hand Sanitizer Substitutes or Alternatives

Another product flying off the shelves is hand sanitizer. If your local grocery store is out of stock you can make your own. Simply take a large frying pan and add in ½ cup of water, followed by 3 tablespoons of apple cider vinegar, 1 tablespoon of baking soda, ½ an egg, and 1 lemon for scent. Whisk for 1 minute until foamy. Now apply the foamy paste between your fingers and under your fingernails. You may feel a burning sensation and this method might leave your hands dry. WARNING: Do not let this get into contact with your hair unless you want blonde highlights for the summer.

Can Corona Beer Give You the Coronavirus?

It has yet to be determined if Corona makes you sick, however, too much in one night will certainly lead to illness the next morning. The fear of contamination from Corona, Corona Extra, and especially Corona Light is causing a massive surplus of the Mexican beer. To guarantee that there is no Coronavirus in your beer, make sure to boil it for 3 minutes at 212 °F. You can also run your Corona through a coffee filter as an extra precaution.

How to Keep Your Hands Clean Without Soap

It is a well-known fact that dogs’ mouths are cleaner than most surfaces. If your dog is put-off by your filthy hands, try rubbing raw chicken all over the surfaces you want sanitized. As an alternative, you can use peanut butter or any other nut butter. If you don’t have a dog, simply ask your neighbor to borrow their dog for 5 minutes. Do not consider other animals like cats. The CDC has not yet determine if cats can carry Coronavirus. As a precaution, leave your cats outside.

Avoid Travel to Italy

Tell Aunt Nancy that you’re canceling your trip with the family on that Princess Cruise to Italy. The spaghetti and wine can wait. Stay home and self-quarantine. Italy has a record number of cases. Instead, we suggest making your own authentic Italian night-in with this spaghetti recipe, any wine will do... bone apple-tea.

Worst Case Scenario: Hunker Down

We all have that crazy uncle in Oklahoma. Poke them on Facebook or send them a chain letter, you’ll be sure to hear from them. Their zombie plan to survive the apocalypse is your best bet. Stock up on fuel and make the drive. Charmin triple-ply awaits.

Final Thoughts on the Coronavirus

This article is satire. It is not meant to be taken seriously. If you were sent here by someone, it was probably a joke or maybe they didn't read this paragraph. Make sure you wash your hands, wipe your ass, and stay indoors. Check out these CDC guidelines for the Coronavirus. Let’s ride this virus out together and reminisce about the great toilet paper shortage of 2020.